there will always be the return of the light
The more I move through life the less I find myself believing in coincidences.
When I was young I would find such joy and PURPOSE in seeing the synchronicities that would present themselves in my life. These happenings would capture my will to live and carry me forward until the next one presented itself…until the next one…until the next. The cycle goes on.
As I grow older though and spend more time in nature-laying my body upon the earth, nowhere to go, nothing to be but to just BE- I am finding how I am not so sure I believe that these moments are synchronicities and coincidences.
Rather I am finding how our very own cells are weaving with the dust of the stars, the minerals of the soil and the energetics of the sacred moments we move through. How our songs and our prayers are providing the pathway for these miracles to land. How WE humans along with ALL of life IS indeed that sacred.
I don’t always call myself a shaman but I have come to recognize how deeply shamanic life is. How shamanic the weavings of my personal life have been since I was conceived, how shamanic all of life is, in these webs that are weaving.
I’ve noticed and just recently came to understand how my greatest teacher has been the spirit of death an initiation of sorts - one that started 35 days after my first birthday - on the Winter Solstice - when my father made a choice to take his own life. This death has followed me, courted me and teaches me so much.
For so long as a child I held this deep grief in my somatic body. I would have these portals around Christmas time of having deep crying sessions - ones where I could feel spirit, the great Mother, God, come in and tend to me as I tended to this grief.
The tears that would fall felt like sacred holy water tasting so sweet, carrying so many codes - even as I child I recognized that this was sacred.
It wasn’t until I came into my Saturn return -a time when the dust of the planets weave with the dust of our bodies and together create a portal of sustainable change - that I realized how intelligent this somatic sense was. How every year around the Winter Solstice my body, my soul would cry out and express this deep seated grief. I was crying for my baby self, for my father, for all of my paternal ancestral lineage, for all the deaths.
Not only did I loose a father on the darkest night of the year but my mother also ended up passing away on a New Moon in May - another darkest day.
I was SHOOK and it took years for this shaking to subside. As my cells started to thaw out, so began a deeper apprenticeship into Death, ancestral healing, shamanic gifts and purpose. I went on a whole journey of sitting in the dark - a journey that took 4 years. The darkest dark my soul could possibly be in. In this and alongside this a brilliant soft luminous diamond light was found- and this light was my WILL to live. My will to breathe, to BE, to live a life so grand that all that ails my bloodline can no longer exist within me. I was initiated into a cellular rebirth to choose love instead of fear.
The mythos of my life started to unfold (how great it can be to carry yourself with a mythos). A heroines journey of the two people who created her, dying on the darkest days of a calendar. But fear not her mission in life is to LOVE!
It is to journey into that darkness- gathering courage, strength, wisdom, grace, joy- going deep into the well, the ancestral hauntings, the recycled trauma, the fear upon fear upon fear, the darkest possible lifetimes and BRINGING IT TO THE LIGHT. Softening into this darkness and allowing the light to come in, to forgive it all, to love it all.
Offering the light that weaves us all, that’s within us all. This is the mythos that I carry, true love.
In high school one of my teachers had us all sit down and come up with a “plan” of what we were to do after high school. When mine was finished it was the word LOVE taking up almost the entire page. Students around me were bringing forward doctors, police officers, accountants- you know the typical American dream. When it was my turn to share I just mentioned how I want to offer as much love as I can to humanity. To BE love.
Of course this teacher wasn’t happy and actually was triggered by it some as I would not change it. Truth be told I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life - but I did know that I wanted to love as much as I could and that I was really good at bringing hope, inspiring others and loving/understanding even the most complicated human experience.
I had no idea how this would show up exactly, I considered nonprofit work, service work and so on. How do you bring true love to humanity? Of course the path is many.
Well, turns out, I have found it in the unfoldings of shamanic work. In the journeys of soul retrieval. That LOVE really is what I am up to in the in-between realms. The things we cannot see but feel, know. The ancestral curses and traumas, the demons that loop us, the darkest nights of the year type of things, the death.
I recognize that I chose to come into this life with parents who would die while I was young and on the darkest days. How I chose to come into the physical makeup of a bloodline on both sides that are so traumatized and stuck in a loop. I chose to come here and against all odds for the circumstances I was raised with, I would rise above all the pain, trauma and death and I would create the most beautiful life I could imagine for myself, my beloved, for my children.
This is the power of DEATH.
This is what death can teach us. All of us. Any of us. Death shakes us awake. It teaches us that even in the darkest of nights, there will always be the return of the light. How death, if you let it, can turn out to be the one thing that truly makes you LIVE. And truly live life - not on autopilot not for anyone else -but for you, my beloved - with all your hopes & dreams, with all your gifts & magic.
See I no longer believe in coincidences instead I believe that WE are those miraculous synchronicities that unfold. That the deeper we return ourselves to the earth, the more magic to behold. The more darkness gets alchemized into light. The more love returns to our cells, our bloodlines, our lands, our peoples.
I am no longer afraid of the darkness. For I have found that I am a sacred light, that you too are a sacred light and that together we have more courage, grace and love than we can imagine.
with love,
Sarah Dawn
